“That’s R5000 for each of you”, James, my coach belted as I was third in our team of 4, crossing the finishing line of Gun Run in Cape Town, 2009. Number 4, Nicky, was just a few steps behind me.
I was at the height of an eating disorder, the height of my running career, and in tip-top academic shape at University. Hard on myself doesn’t quite describe it. I was performing at a really competitive level in 2 sports, in the top 5 of my Physiotherapy class, and really struggling with my relationship with food.
I was barely eating 1200 calories a day, and running over 80km/week. And playing provincial level touch rugby twice a week on top of all of that. The 1200 calories wasn’t planned or guided – it was anxiety driven and tough. I deprived myself not just of the nicer things in life, but also of the important life-giving things like carbohydrates and fat. I wasn’t enjoying life, as successful as it was externally.
I was on a part scholarship at the University of Cape Town, for running and academics. While I don’t think that necessarily added fuel to the fire, it definitely didn’t lighten my anxiety. The joy I got from running came primarily from the external. If I ran slower than usual I’d be disappointed. Run a PB and I’d be over the moon. For a few hours after. My enjoyment came from achievement, rather than from the process. The positive emotions I felt were short lived. It wouldn’t take long for the next goal, or next race plan to cloud the joy.
It’s now 17 years after I ran so well, and trained so hard. Being diagnosed with Bipolar 1 was a lot more difficult than running a little slower than usual, though I do think what I learned from running has helped me with getting through living Bipolar 1. The mental capacity to push through tough things is synonymous with what’s needed to function with Bipolar.
I thank running for what it’s given me to cope. And now for the kicker; Bipolar has helped me to enjoy my running. The antipsychotics I take have an impact on my heart and musculoskeletal system – so my competitiveness has waned strongly. I’m lucky to run 3 or 4km these days without being knocked out for a day or 2 afterwards.
I do, however now have the benefit of really just loving the feeling. I don’t ge that same springiness, or pace, but what I do get is to enjoy the benefit of endorphins. I get a few hours afterwards where I can really focus and relax, and when it’s cold out I get the joy of self-generated heat. The feeling of accomplishment of running ALL the way up a hill, or the fact that even after a good 2 years off, I’m making my version of a comeback.
Bipolar has taught me to slow down and enjoy the process, the feeling and to stop worrying how far, how fast and how hard. I don’t even run with a watch anymore!
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